Bits n Pieces

Mistakes

2011-05-12T15:01:00.000+08:00

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Mistakes... What they actually mean...

If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is a new path

If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture

If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation

If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law

If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention

If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion

If a teacher makes a mistake,
It is a new theory

If our boss makes a mistake,
It is a new idea

If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a 'Mistake' No arguement, please!

Ever wondered Why?

2010-08-23T14:54:00.003+08:00

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of rands in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Heart of Gratitude

2010-05-18T15:19:00.002+08:00

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help." There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"

The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way."

I wrote: "Today is a beautiful day but I cannot see it."

Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people that they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.

When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling…
And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it!!!

Enjoy your day with a heart of gratitude.

Word Scabble

2009-09-09T12:13:00.003+08:00

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DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Proof that Men Have Better Friends

2009-09-02T12:56:00.002+08:00

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Seven confirmed that he had slept over, and three said he was still there.

Sardar Jokes

2009-08-26T12:47:00.003+08:00

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India...
Boss: Which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India.

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

Sardar joined new job. First day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked: what you did till evening...
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue you've broken.
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Sardar: You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio'!

In an interview,
Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr...
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.

Western and Asian Approach Towards Life

2009-08-19T12:53:00.002+08:00

(1) Opinion
Westerners: Talk to the point.Asians: Talk around the circle, especially if opinions are different.
(2) Way of Life
Westerners: individualism, think of himself or herself.Asians: enjoy gathering with family and friends, solving their problems, and know each other's business.
(3) Punctuality
Westerners: on time.Asians: in time.
(4) Contacts
Westerners: Contact to related person only.Asians: Contact everyone everywhere, business very successful.
(5) Anger
Westerners: Show that I am angry.Asians: I am angry, but still smiling... (Beware!)
(6) Queue when Waiting
Westerners: Queuing in an orderly manner.Asians: Queuing?! What's that?
(7) Sundays on the Road
Westerners: Enjoy weekend relaxing peacefully.Asians: Enjoy weekend in crowded places, like going to the mall.
(8) Party
Westerners: Only gather with their own group.Asians: All focus on the one activity that is hosted by the CEO.
(9) In the restaurant
Westerners: Talk softly and gently in the restaurant.Asians: Talk and laugh loudly like they own the restaurant.
(10) Travelling
Westerners: Love sightseeing and enjoy the scenery.Asians: Taking picture is the most important; scenery is just for the background.
(11) Handling of Problems
Westerners: Take any steps to solve the problems.Asians: Try to avoid conflicts, and if can, don't leave any trail.
(12) Three meals a day
Westerners: Good meal for once a day is sufficed.Asians: At least 3 good meals a day.
(13) Transportation
Westerners: Before drove cars, now cycling for environmental protection.Asians: Before no money and rode a bike, now got money and drive a car.
(14) Elderly in day-to-day life
Westerners: When old, there is snoopy for companionship.Asians: When old, guarantee will not be lonely, as long as willing to babysit grandkids.
(15) Moods and Weather
Westerners: The logic is:rain is pain.Asians: More rain, more prosperity.
(16) The Boss
Westerners: The boss is part of the team.Asians: The boss is a fierce god.
(17) What's Trendy
Westerners: Eat healthy Asian cuisine.Asians: Eat expensive Western cuisine.
(18) The Child
Westerners: The kid is going to be independent and make his/her own living.Asians: Slog whole life for the kids, the centre of your life.

True...? Some true...? Untrue...?

Wrong Email ID

2009-08-12T12:33:00.003+08:00

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral... The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: 16 Mar 2009
Subject: I've reached
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to see you TOMORROW!

Smart Affair

2009-07-30T17:04:00.002+08:00

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

Global Economic Crisis

2009-07-16T23:09:00.002+08:00

A husband working abroad wrote to his wife...

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, the global market crises has affected me, so I am sending 100 kisses.

You are my sweetheart.

Your loving husband,

----------------------------------------------------------------

His wife replied...

Sweetheart Dearest,

Thanks for the 100 kisses, below is the list of expenses I paid with the kisses...

1. The milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect us only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items hope you understand???

5. Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance...
Shall I plan the same for next month??? Please advice!!!

Your Sweet Heart,

The Colonoscopy

2009-07-08T12:33:00.003+08:00

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
'because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

'I should be in charge,' said the blood,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

The Holy Alphabet

2009-07-01T12:44:00.002+08:00

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A lthough things are not perfect,
B ecause of trial or pain,
C ontinue in thanksgiving,
D on't even think to blame.
E ven when the times are hard,
F ierce winds are bound to blow,
G od is forever able,
H old on to what you know.
I magine life without His love,
J oy would cease to be,
K eep thanking Him for all the things,
L ove imparts thee to see.
M ove out of 'Camp Complaining',
N o weapon that is known
O n earth can yield the power
P raise can do alone.
Q uit worrying about the future,
R edeem the time at hand,
S tart every day with prayer
T o 'thank' is God's command.
U ntil we see Him coming,
V ictorious in the sky,
W e'll run the race with gratitude,
X alting God most high.
Y es, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory... where none are ever sad!

- Author unknown

A Funny Lesson in Class

2009-06-24T13:27:00.004+08:00

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned quiet. That is because the fierest teacher in the school had entered the class. Her face is as fierce as a lion which will bite anyone's head off if offended... And if you wanna know more.... follow the lesson.

Students: Good morning, teacher.

Teacher : (shouting) Why is it only good morning? What about afternoon and night???

Students: Good morning, afternoon and night teacher.

Teacher : That is unacceptable! It is too long. Just wish me best regards for my whole day! That is much better as it is easier and full of meaning. And that greeting can also be used for all times.

Students: Best regards teacher!

Teacher : That's better, sit down! Listen. Today I'm going to test you all on words that have the opposite meaning. When I say a sentence or a word, all of you must answer quickly the opposite meaning to the words, understand??

Students: Understood teacher!

Teacher : I do not want any disturbance!

Students: (silence)

Teacher : Clever
Students: Stupid

Teacher : High
Students: Low

Teacher : Popular
Students: Calafare

Teacher : Wrong.
Students: Correct.

Teacher : Stupid.
Students: Clever.

Teacher : No.
Students: Yes.

Teacher : Oh God.
Students: Oh Slave.

Teacher : Listen to this.
Students: Listen to that.

Teacher : Quiet.
Students: Noisy.

Teacher : That's not a question, stupid.
Students: This is an answer, clever.

Teacher : I'm dead.
Students: We're alive.

Teacher : I'm lazy to teach.
Students: We are hardworking to learn.

Teacher : Enough! Enough!
Students: More! More!

Teacher : Stop! Stop!
Students: Start! Start!

Teacher : Why are you people so stupid.
Students: Because I am someone clever.

Teacher : Lack manners!
Students: Taught enough!

Teacher : O.K.Lesson has ended!
Students: K.O. Lesson has not started!

Teacher : Enough, stupid!
Students: Not yet, clever!

Teacher : Stand up.
Students: Sit down.

Teacher : I said CALAFARE was wrong!
Students: We said POPULAR was correct!

Teacher : You people are dumb!
Students: We are gifted!

Teacher : All of you must stay back this afternoon!
Students: Released tonight.

Teacher : (Keep quiet, gather her books and went out)

Your Cartoon Character

2009-05-27T13:15:00.004+08:00

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test.

Answer all the 10 questions with what describes you best, add up all your points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 points)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 points)
c) Painting in the park (5 points)
d) Rock concert (1 point)
e) Going to the movies (3 points)

2. What is your favourite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 points)
b) Alternative (1 point)
c) Soft Rock (4 points)
d) Country (5 points)
e) Pop (3 points)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 points)
b) Horror (1 point)
c) Musical (3 points)
d) Romance (4 points)
e) Documentary (5 points)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 points)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 points)
c) Teacher (3 points)
d) Police (2 points)
e) Cashier (1 point)

5 What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 points)
b) Read (4 points)
c) Watch television (2 points)
d) Listen to music (1 point)
e) Sleep (3 points)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 point)
b) White (5 points)
c) Sky Blue (3 points)
d) Dark Blue(2 points)
e) Red (4 points)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow (3 points)
b) Pizza (2 points)
c) Sushi (1 point)
d) Pasta (4 points)
e) Salad (5 points)

8. What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween(1 point)
b) Christmas (3 points)
c) New Year (2 points)
d) Valentine's Day (4 points)
e) Thanksgiving (5 points)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 points)
b) Spain (5 points)
c) Las Vegas (1 point)
d) Hawaii (4 points)
e) Hollywood (3 points)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart (5 points)
b) Someone attractive (2 points)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 point)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 points)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 points)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!

(10-16 points) You are Garfield :
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun; you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you're never out of style, you are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned. Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.

(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

Be an Example

2009-05-14T15:30:00.002+08:00

"Excuse me, are you Jesus?" This is really powerful and makes one think!!! Received this in my mail and would like to share it here.

A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago. They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner. In their rush, with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly missed boarding.

ALL BUT ONE!!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned.

He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor.

He was glad he did.

The 16 year old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her, no one stopping and no one to care for her plight. The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket.

When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, "Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?" She nodded through her tears. He continued on with, "I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly."

As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, "Mister...." He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, "Are you Jesus?"

He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: "Are you Jesus?" Do people mistake you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace.

If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting Scripture and going to church... It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day.

You are the apple of His eye even though we, too, have been bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked you and me up on a hill called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit.

Marriage

2009-04-23T15:55:00.002+08:00

A touching story, thought of sharing it here.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions... She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until deaths do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

Author unknown

A Poem about our Girlfriends

2009-04-14T23:03:00.002+08:00

Someone will always be prettier.
Some will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car, their children will do better in school
and their husband will fix more things around the house..
So let it go and love you and your circumstances.

Think about it, the prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart
And the most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children
And the richest woman you know has the car, the house, the clothes ~
but might be lonely. . .
and the word says, 'If I have not Love, I am nothing.'
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.

Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
'I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed, to be disappointed!'
'Winners make things happen~ Losers let things happen.'
Be 'blessed' ladies ~ let this encourage another woman.
To the world you might be one person,
but to one person, you might be the world!

Author unknown

Moments in Life

2009-04-10T13:24:00.002+08:00

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!

When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the closed door
that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human, and
enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

How Smart is your Foot

2009-03-09T14:28:00.002+08:00

Just try this. It is from an orthopaedic surgeon... This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!

While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.

It is involuntary and there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

First Edition of Superman Comic

2009-03-01T15:35:00.004+08:00

A rare, fine copy of the Action comic book that launched Superman as the first superhero was put up for auction online yesterday, reported AP.

After being hidden away for years, a copy of the original Superman and Friends comic book is expected to fetch about US$400,000, a comic expert told CNN 2 days ago.

About 100 copies of the No.1 edition are known to exist.

The auction is attracting a lot of interest, said Mr Stephen Fishler, owner of Comic Connect, a website for comic book buyers and sellers.

"One bidder wanted to trade his Ferrari for the comic book, as part of an under-the-table deal," Mr Fishler joked.

The comic book is unique.

"Of the 100 existing copies, 80% have been restored, but people want an untouched copy," he said. The book is listed in 'fine' condition, a six on the 10-point rating scale.

"It's the Holy Grail of comic books," Mr Fishler said.

Co-created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, the comic book first appeared on newsstands for US$0.10 a copy in June 1938.

- The New Paper dated 28 February 2009

Making Money Online for Paid-To-Click with NeoBux

2009-02-23T13:11:00.011+08:00

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Berries as Cancer Fighters

2009-02-13T15:30:00.001+08:00

A large body of research suggests that berries may be among the most potent cancer-fighting fruits.

The main berries being researched include black and red raspberries, blackberries, strawberries and elderberries. Although blueberries have numerous health benefits, they do not appear to have the same cancer-fighting properties as other berries, researchers say.

Berries contain a number of healthful compounds including vitamins A, C, E and folic acid; selenium; calcium; polyphenols; and compounds called anthocyanins, which give berries their colour.

While berries, particularly raspberries, look like a promising super food, many people may not find it practical to eat them on a regular basis. Another concern is whether variations in climate and growing techniques may alter the concentration of the beneficial compounds found in the fruit.

Although frozen berries can substitute for fresh ones when they are out of season, the fruits are expensive and may be too costly for most people to eat daily. As a result, researchers are trying to identify the key ingredients that make berries cancer fighters.

In a study published this month in Cancer Prevention Research, scientists compared rats which ingested a diet of whole black raspberries or a concentrated powder of black raspberry anthocyanins, to rodents which ate a regular diet.

The study found that the anthocyanin powder worked just as well as whole raspberries for slowing tumour growth. Both groups of rats consuming either whole berries or anthocyanin powder developed 50% fewer oesophageal tumours compared to untreated rats.

"We're quite encouraged by that," said Gary Stoner, professor emeritus and former head of the Cancer Prevention Programme at Ohio State University. "It's not total inhibition, but it was pretty substantial. It tells us the anthocyanins in the berries are pretty important and they are deserving of more research."

Although the verdict on berries as cancer fighters is still out, Dr Stoner said more people could benefit by eating them. Studies already show people with diets high in fruits and vegetables are healthier.

Dr Stoner added that frozen berries are a good option as they will not spoil as easily as fresh ones, can be eaten all year round and are often cheaper than fresh berries.

New York Times

Source: The Straits Times

Sweat It Out

2009-01-30T13:34:00.002+08:00

Sweat is needed to cool your body while you exercise and how much or easily you sweat depends on many factors like your fitness level.

The more you contract your muscles during exercise, the more heat you produce, wrote Jay Blahnik, a personal trainer and Idea Health & Fitness Association spokesman, in The Los Angeles Times.

The author of Full-Body Flexibility said that sweat is necessary to cool the body while exercising because it prevents you from overheating. However, your environment, exercise intensity, fitness level, gender and genetics all play a role in how easily and how much you sweat. Consider these points:

Most men sweat more than women do, even when exercising at similar intensities. However, that does not mean men can handle hotter temperatures than women or vice versa.

You cannot sweat off extra pounds. Exercising in very hot environments or wearing clothes that promote water loss can compromise your body's cooling system. While you may appear to lose weight on the scale, it is just water weight and you will regain it as soon as you eat and drink normally.

Proper hydration and clothing can help keep your body cooler and often reduce how much you sweat. Drink about 100ml of water every 10 to 15 minutes while exercising and wear breathable clothing.

Do not judge the intensity of a workout by how much you sweat. If you exercise in a colder environment, it is likely you will not sweat as much. Measure your intensity using other factors like breathing rate.

Even if you are sweating when you work out, it is still possible to overheat when you exercise in extremely hot temperatures or badly ventilated areas. Do not exercise outside during the warmest hours of the day.

You cannot sweat off a hangover, which is primarily caused by dehydration. However, doing some light to moderate exercise may not be a bad idea. Exercise increases circulation and can help release endorphins. Be sure to drink lots of water or exercising can dehydrate you further.

If you exercise regularly, you may sweat more easily than your sedentary friends. Though this may be a nuisance, it is good as your body has become more efficient at cooling itself.

Source: The Straits Times

Amazing True Gratitude Story

2009-01-28T12:09:00.002+08:00

Once upon a time, there were once three brothers, very close in age, who grew up constantly competing with each other for virtually everything -- in sports, at school, with the girls. You name it!

In time, they grew up, finished school, and left home. Before long, all three had become very successful in business (on the competitive plane) and were quite wealthy. Even so, their "sibling rivalry" continued.

One night as their mother's 80th birthday approached, the three got together for dinner and began discussing what each of them had planned to mark this special occasion. Each brother naturally intended to outdo the others with his gift plans.

"Well," the first son said, "neither one of you can top this. I've bought her the most expensive, luxurious Mercedes available and hired her a full-time driver."

The second son snorted: "Ha! That's nothing! I've built her a huge mansion, with magnificent landscaped grounds and a gorgeous swimming pool."

The third son, leaned back in his chair and just smiled at his brothers, savoring the moment of victory he knew was at hand. Then he said, "I've got you both beat.

"You know how much Mom has always enjoyed reading the Bible but has trouble with it now that her eyesight's getting weaker. Well, I've found the most beautiful, exotic parrot -- an extremely rare species, but that's not the most important part. You see, THIS parrot can recite the entire Bible.

"Twenty monks in a remote part of the world spent ten solid years teaching this bird, and I had to pledge $100,000 a year for the next 20 years to the monastery, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name a chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it, word for word."

The other brothers sat staring, their mouths hanging open in astonishment. Then both glumly admitted that the Bible-quoting parrot was the hands-down winner, and the evening drew to a close with the third son feeling extremely proud to have outstripped his brothers.

Mom's birthday came and went, and a week or so after it each of the three men found a note from her in his mailbox.

"Marvin," she wrote to the first son, "Thank you for the car, but I am too old to get out much. I stay home all the time cleaning this huge house, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is just plain rude!"

"Milton," she wrote the second son, "Thank you for the house. But it is so huge. I live in only one room, but I still have to clean the whole thing."

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "Thank you so much. You are my only son to have the good sense to know what your old mother really likes.

"That chicken was delicious."

Hello Kitty-themed Hospital is World's First

2009-01-25T15:34:00.003+08:00

The mania for the cat without a mouth, Hello Kitty has just reached a whole new level. A maternity and paediatric hospital in Yuanlin, in central Taiwan, is now the world's first Hello Kitty-themed medical establishment.

From birth certificates to cots and uniforms worn by staff, every aspect of the 30-bed Hau Sheng Hospital is emblazoned with the feline motif, reported Reuters.

Patients are welcomed by a statue of Hello Kitty dressed in a doctor's uniform, before travelling in a Hello Kitty elevator to a pink examination room with Hello Kitty wall posters.

The childbirth package includes pink or blue feline receiving blankets, nurses dressed in pink uniforms with cat-themed aprons, Hello Kitty cot linen and room decor.

Twice a year, people in feline costumes visit mothers and children.

Hospital director Mr Tsai Tsung-chi said he hopes that Hello Kitty - one of the world's most recognisable cartoon characters - will ease the pain and fear associated with childbirth and hospital admission. Added Mr Tsai, whose mother, wife and daughter are Hello Kitty fans: "I wish that mothers who suffer while giving birth and children who suffer from an illness can get medical care while seeing these kitties, forget about their discomfort and recover faster."

The hospital was built at a cost of NT$100 million after obtaining authorisation from Hello Kitty's Japanese parent company Sanrio Co Ltd.

Source: The New Paper dated 17 January 2009

Hudson River Rescue - Miracle Man

2009-01-18T23:34:00.002+08:00

M is for muscle
He would have been sitting and gripping an instrument called a sidestick to control the plane. His feet would be hard on the rudder pedals to control the plane as well.

I is for ingenuity
With no power and airport nearby, he had to decide where to land. He chose New York's Hudson River because it seemed calm.

R is for resources
Experts say the pilots used the resources well. They used the A-320's ditch button. It closes valves and seals up the fuselage so that it can stay afloat longer.

A is for ability
He stretched the powerless plane's glide expertly so that the aircraft could reach the river. If its speed was too slow, the plane would have stalled and fallen out of the sky.

C is for contact
As it neared the water, the plane's underbelly must have been as flat as possible when it touched the water. It is very hard to do that with no power.

L is for landing
As he came in to land, he kept the nose of the plane up and made sure the wings didn't touch the water first. If they did, the plane would have cartwheeled or the wings would have ripped off.

E is for evacuation
After passengers got out, the pilot checked the sinking plane twice to make sure everyone got out safely.

M-I-R-A-C-L-E spells out pilot Chesley Sullenberger's actions. His superb skills saved the lives of all 155 people on board when he made a very difficult landing on New York's Hudson River.

Source: The New Paper

A Wife's Poem

2009-01-08T12:20:00.004+08:00

.
He didn't like the curry
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't prepare the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Isn't there anything I could do
To match his mother's shoe.

Then I smiled as I saw light
One thing I could definitely do
I turned around and slapped him tight...
Like his mother used to!!!

author unknown

Luxury Brands in Singapore

2008-12-27T23:11:00.002+08:00

Business as good as Xmas past
But retailers don't expect festive buying to continue into new year as recession bites.

Many designer outlets reported that sales has held steady from the same period last year, without having to slash prices.
Credit card companies told The New Paper that the recession has not dampened sales.
OCBC Bank's head of credit cards said the Christmas season would often see an increase in overall spending and payments.
Luxury watch retailer Sincere Watch confirmed this. "No doubt, the recession does affect many people, but there'll always be the rich who have high disposable income. So the luxury sector is usually less affected than the mass market."
Shopping malls which house high-end boutiques said shopper traffic over the holiday season has been relatively unaffected by the global slump.
None of the fashion houses held Christmas sales as their practice is to slash prices only at the end of every season.

Source: The New Paper dated 27 December 2008

Blessed Christmas

2008-12-25T13:34:00.007+08:00

Jesus is the Reason for the Season
Jesus is Better than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole.

JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh

JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year

JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies

JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited

JESUS stands at your door and knocks.. and then enters your heart.

You have to stand in line to see Santa

JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap

JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"

JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly

JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO

JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry"

JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.

Santa's little helpers make toys

JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but

JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree

JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.

It's obvious there is really no comparison. We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about. We need to put Christ back in Christmas. Jesus is still the reason for the season.

May the Lord Bless and Watch over you and your loved ones this Christmas 2008.

And may He prosper and bless the work of your hands in the New Year 2009.

How the Fight Started

2008-12-17T16:23:00.002+08:00

Ways of how the fight had started... just for laughs.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started...

------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability allowance, too.'

And then the fight started...

------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started.....

------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....

------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...

------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

------

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
And then the fight started...

Can I Borrow $25?

2008-12-01T00:03:00.000+08:00

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?'
DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man.
SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?'
DAD: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the man said angrily.
SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'
DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.'
SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.
SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?'

The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.'

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

'Are you asleep, son?' He asked.

'No daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.

'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the man. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.'

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you daddy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the father grumbled.

'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied. 'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.

Difference between HTTP and HTTPS

2008-11-18T23:26:00.003+08:00

It is all about keeping you secure.

HTTP stands for Hyper Text Transport Protocol, which is just a fancy way of saying it's a protocol (a language, in a manner of speaking) for information to be passed back and forth between web servers and clients.

The important thing is the letter S which makes the difference between HTTP and HTTPS. The 'S' stands for 'Secure'.

If you visit a website or webpage, and look at the address in the web browser, it will likely begin with http://. This means that the website is talking to your browser using the regular 'unsecure' language.

In other words, it is possible for someone to 'eavesdrop' on your computer's conversation with the website. If you fill out a form on the website, someone might see the information you send to that site. This is why you never ever enter your credit card number in an http website!

But if the web address begins with https://, that basically means your computer is talking to the website in a secure code that no one can eavesdrop on.

If a website ever asks you to enter your credit card information, you should automatically look to see if the web address begins with https://. If it doesn't, there's no way you should enter sensitive information like a credit card number!

Home Remedies for Acne

2008-11-10T13:46:00.003+08:00

If you know the cause of your acne and you are looking for home remedies that others have tried and found to work, here is a list of some that you can try. The acne home remedies listed here have worked for many people but it does not guarantee for some people. Verify if you are allergic or overly sensitive to the following items: garlic, papaya, glycerin, eggs, orange, or lemons before using.

Apply some toothpaste on the acne spots. Don’t apply on skin because it will make it dry. Make sure it is the paste not the gel.
Massage the face with the peel of lemon, orange or grapefruit directly to acne spots. Wash with lukewarm water after 10 – 20 mins.
Rub raw crushed and dabbed garlic on the acne spot gently. Garlic is very beneficial for acne sufferers. Garlic reduces the inflammation and is also very effective in fading away the scar that is generally left after the acne vanishes.
Place ripe tomato pulp on your pimples and keep the tomato pulp up to one hour; then wash off.
Apply fresh lemon juice on the affected area overnight. Wash off with warm water next morning.
Apply Aloe Vera juice twice a day can greatly speed up the healing of acne lesions. Aloe Vera is not only a great anti-inflammatory agent; it also has anti-bacterial properties which makes it an ideal home remedy for acne.
Apply mixed mint juice with turmeric powder on affected area. Leave for 15-30 minutes and wash off with lukewarm water.
Apply blended cucumber on your face and leave it for 1/2 hour and then rinse. This refreshes your skin and prevents acne from breaking out.
Apply juice of raw papaya (including the skin and seed) on swelling pimples or acne.
Mix 1 tablespoon of yeast (dried or fresh) with 2 tablespoons of lemon juice. Apply it on the face and wait until it gets hard (try not to move), peel or wash with warm water.
Mix the vinegar and salt together, before rubbing the mix over the pimples. Leave it there for some 10 to 20 mins before removing with lukewarm water.
Blend some nutmeg with milk into paste and apply on affected area. Wash it off after 20 minutes. Pimples disappear like magic without leaving a mark.
If you have oily skin apply a paste made by mixing sandalwood and few drops of rosewater on the acne affected area for about an hour and then wash off gently.
If you have dry skin, take a piece of sandalwood and rub it on a smooth stone and make a paste using a few drops of raw milk. Apply the mixture on the acne and keep it for an hour and thereafter gently wash with water.
Apply fresh mint juice over the face every night for the treatment of acne, pimples, insect stings, eczema, scabies, & other skin infections.
Apply grated potatoes as poultice to treat skin blemishes, wrinkles, boils, pimples, blackheads and whiteheads.
Apply a paste of ground sesame seeds with water as poultice for inflammation of the skin due to allergies, skin rashes, and pimples.
Mix 1 teaspoons of groundnut oil with 1 tablespoon of fresh lime juice apply on pimple to prevent formation of blackheads and pimples.
Apply a mixture of lime juice and rose water on face and leave it for 15-20 mins. Rinse off with lukewarm water.

Discontinue use immediately if a rash occurs and consult a qualified dermatology professional.

Article from Anything and Whatever

Prop Us Up

2008-11-07T00:40:00.002+08:00

Received this in my mail and thought would like share.

"Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, 'Lord, prop us up on our leaning side.'

After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently.

He answered, 'Well sir, you see, it's like this... I got an old barn out back. It's been there a long time, it's withstood a lot of weather, it's gone through a lot of storms, and it's stood for many years. It's still standing. But one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn't fall.

Then I got to thinking about that and how much I was like that old barn. I've been around a long time. I've withstood a lot of life's storms. I've withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I've withstood a lot of hard times, and I'm still standing too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leaning side, cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning, at times.

Sometime we get to leaning toward anger, leaning toward bitterness, leaning toward hatred, leaning toward cussing, leaning toward a lot of things that we shouldn't. So we need to pray, 'Lord, prop us up on our leaning side, so we will stand straight and tall again, to glorify You.''"

Children

2008-11-03T18:15:00.003+08:00

These are what we call children...

You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

Placement of New Employees

2008-10-28T12:25:00.002+08:00

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

Then analyze the situation:

If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.
If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

How Men Change

2008-10-22T12:52:00.002+08:00

The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why did I marry you?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home!
After 6 months: I'm BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it's for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAMN IT!!

Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I'm going to watch PIRATES play, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!

Making Love:
After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight?
After 6 months: Lets make baby, my mother just called!!!
After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I'm suffocating here!!!

你是什麼第一名?

2008-10-19T12:36:00.002+08:00

牡羊座. 03/21~04/20
衝動第一名，做事後悔第一名，火氣大第一名，大膽第一名，敢愛敢恨第一名。

金牛座. 04/21~05/20
穩重第一名，節儉第一名，貪財第一名，可靠第一名，吃苦耐勞第一名。

雙子座. 05/21~06/21
八卦第一名，聰慧第一名， Crazy第一名，幽默第一名，多話第一名。

巨蟹座. 06/22~07/22
體貼第一名，愛吃第一名，愛家第一名，孝順第一名，多愁善感第一名。

獅子座. 07/23~08/22
自信第一名，愛現第一名，要面子第一名，品味第一名，風度第一名。

處女座. 08/23~09/22
細心第一名，挑剃第一名，愛乾淨第一名，小題大做第一名，吃醋第一名。

天秤座. 09/23~10/22
愛美第一名，猶豫第一名，懶惰第一名，善辯第一名，公正第一名。

天蠍座. 10/23~11/21
癡情第一名，扮酷第一名，魅力第一名，冷冰冰第一名，理智第一名。

射手座. 11/22~12/21
貪玩第一名，糊塗第一名，可愛第一名，勇於嘗試第一名，心無城府第一名。

摩羯座. 12/22~01/19
嚴肅第一名，鎮定第一名，忍耐第一名，認真第一名，保守第一名。

水瓶座. 01/20~02/19
好奇第一名，好學第一名，創意第一名，另類第一名，創造力第一名。

雙魚座. 02/20~03/20
心軟第一名，敏感第一名，多疑第一名，愛作夢第一名，胡思亂想第一名。

Turn Notes into Creativity - part IV

2008-10-17T12:51:00.000+08:00

Turn Notes into Creativity - part III

2008-10-14T12:41:00.000+08:00

Turn Notes into Creativity - part II

2008-10-10T12:36:00.000+08:00

Turn Notes into Creativity - part I

2008-10-07T15:25:00.004+08:00

Mother's Love

2008-09-29T13:49:00.002+08:00

A touching story...

My mom only had one eye. I hated her... She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students & teachers to support the family.

There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed. How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.

The next day at school one of my classmates said, 'EEEE, your mom only has one eye!' I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. I confronted her that day and said, 'If you're only goanna make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?'

My mom did not respond... I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings. I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study. Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts. Then one day, my mother came to visit me. She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her grandchildren.

When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, 'How dare you come to my house and scare my children! GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!'

And to this, my mother quietly answered, 'Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address.' And she disappeared out of sight.

One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.

My neighbors said that she died. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.

'My dearest son, I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to your house and scared your children. I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up.

You see... when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine. I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.'

With all my love to you,
Your mother.

越晚吃飯致死率越高!!

2008-09-25T12:58:00.002+08:00

晚上8：00才吃晚餐就算宵夜了！你是不是也常忙到8：00才吃飯呢？小心喔！

根據統計國內70%的人具有酸性體質。酸性體質有一個很大的特徵，吃愈好得慢性疾病的機率就會很高。因為體質變酸，酵素作用會受到阻礙，內分泌失調，荷爾蒙也會受阻礙。酸性體質的朋友，一味地吃大魚大肉所謂有營養的食物，事實上是雪上加霜，只會讓身體越來越糟。要找出問題的根源是去改變你的體質，才是根本解決之道。(人體應呈現弱鹼才好)

《熬夜會使體質變酸》
晚上1：00以後不睡覺，人體的代謝作用由內分泌燃燒，用內分泌燃燒產生的毒素會很多，會使體質變酸，通常熬夜的人得慢性疾病的機率比抽煙或喝酒的人都來得高。所以每天儘量在12：00以前睡覺，不要常熬夜，若非要熬夜，一星期以一次為限！熬夜時不要吃肉，盡量吃碳水化合物，這樣隔天才不至於很累，可把傷害減至最低。

《吃宵夜的人，體質容易變酸》
時常交際應酬的生意人，通常壽命較短，易患糖尿病、高血壓。凡是晚上8：00再進食就稱做宵夜。吃宵夜隔天會疲倦，爬不起床，肝也會受損，因為睡覺時，人體各器官活動力低，處於休息狀態，因此食物留在腸子裡會變酸、發酵、產生毒素傷害身體。

《早起的人身體好》
人體在凌晨4：30，體溫達到最低點，血液循環最慢，因此古時候練功的人在4：30以前就起床。如果睡太晚，血液循環變慢，氧氣也跟著減少，變成缺氧性燃燒，會使體質變酸。

《不吃早餐的人，體質會變酸》
一天三餐中，早餐佔了70分，午餐0分，晚餐30分。可見早餐最重要，但台灣人普遍不吃早餐，更糟的是養成吃宵夜的習慣，這是非常不正確的飲食習慣。所以從現在起要更重視早餐，學習如何吃早餐。早餐一定要豐富而且要選擇耐燃燒4-5小時的食物，才足夠你一天的消耗量。

《精緻食物加速胃腸老化》
少運動且整天坐在辦公室的上班族最容易犯這種錯誤，因為吃的少，刻意選擇很精緻的食物而少吃粗糙的食物，這種人的腸子老化的特別快，肝功能差，大便是黑色的而且會常便秘。因為精緻食物缺乏纖維素，會導致腸子功能變差，甚至萎縮，你所吃的食物變成了毒素，使你體質變酸，慢性病也開始。養生之道就在日常生活裡，吃出健康，也能吃出自信。

A Short Love Story

2008-09-22T12:23:00.003+08:00

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you mind reaching into the closet to get me another blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied with a twinkle in her eye. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.' His eyebrows went up and he smiled, 'That's a great idea!' 'Good,' she replied 'Get your own damn blanket.' After a moment of silence, he farted.

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength

2008-09-17T18:22:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, we in the church are accused of glossing over the fact that life can be hard.

We sometimes tend to give the impression that all you need to do is give your heart to Jesus and all of your problems will be solved, all your bills will be paid, you will have success and prosperity, and everything you touch will turn to gold. If you are a Christian, you will have a continual smile on your face and always be happy. We make all our baskets, we sink all our putts, we close all our deals.

Does that sound like your testimony? I know it doesn't sound like mine!

I think the problem is that we've confused joy with happiness.

Happiness is dependent on happenings. Circumstances in your life dictate whether or not you are happy.

Joy, on the other hand is a gift from God, a fruit of the Spirit that transcends whatever is happening in your life. Joy allows you to rise, even to soar, above difficult circumstances, challenges, and heartaches.

Joy comes from knowing Who is in control and that He has a plan to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

We do not draw our strength from the great feeling we get when things go right; if we did, we would be powerless when hard times and adversity hit, and we would all be easy pickings for the devil.

No, it is the joy of the Lord that is our strength!

Jesus wasn't happy about going to the cross. He prayed the night before 'If there is any other way, let this cup pass from me...' But He did have joy
in obedience.

The writer to the Hebrews put it this way: 'Who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross...'

There was joy for the Lord Jesus even in the pain and the agony of the cross because He knew the end result of His obedience and sacrifice would be the offer of salvation for you and me. Jesus chose to go through hell for us rather than to go to heaven without us.

In the book of Philippians, the Apostle Paul talks about joy over and over again. Yet he wrote that letter to the church at Philippi while he was imprisoned in horrible conditions.

How could he write about joy while imprisoned in a dark, cold, rat-infested Roman cell? It's because joy is not dependent on circumstances!

When you and I face tough times, we can draw on great reserves of joy that are rooted in our knowledge of the faithfulness of God. That's how Job was able to say in the midst of tragedy, heartache and great loss, 'Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him' (Job 13:15, KJV)

He knew God and He trusted God. That is how he could have 'joy in unrelenting pain' (Job 6:10, NIV).

By Agyeman Fordjour

Tomorrow can be too Late

2008-09-15T13:27:00.002+08:00

If you're mad with someone, and nobody's there to fix the situation... You fix it. Maybe today, that person might still want to be your friend. And if you don't, tomorrow can be too late.

If you're in love with somebody, but that person doesn't know... tell her/him. Maybe today, that person is also in love with you. And if you don't say it, tomorrow can be too late.

If you still love a person that you think has forgotten you... tell her/him. Maybe that person has always loved you. And if you don't tell her/him today, tomorrow can be too late.

If you need a hug of a friend... ask her/him for it. Maybe they need it more than you do... And if you don't ask for it today, tomorrow can be too late.

If you really have friends who you appreciate... tell them. Maybe they appreciate you as well. That if you don't and they leave or go far away today, tomorrow can be too late.

If you love your parents, and never had the chance to show them... do it. Maybe you have them there to show them how you feel. That if you don't and they leave today, and then tomorrow can be too late.

Marriage Passbook

2008-09-11T12:29:00.003+08:00

Jocelyn married William this day. At the end of the wedding party, Jocelyn's mother gave her a newly opened bank saving passbook. With $1000 deposit amount.

Mother: 'Jocelyn, take this passbook. Keep it as a record of your marriage life. When there's something happy and memorable happened in your new life, put some money in. Write down what it's about next to the line. The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in. I've done the first one for you today. Do the others with William. When you look back after years, you can know how much happiness you've
had.'

Jocelyn shared this with William when getting home. They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can be made.

This was what they did after certain time:

- 7 Feb: $100, first birthday celebration for William after marriage
- 1 Mar: $300, salary raise for Jocelyn
- 20 Mar: $200, vacation trip to Bali
- 15 Apr: $2000, Jocelyn got pregnant
- 1 Jun: $1000, William got promoted
..
..
..
... and so on ...

However, after years, they started fighting and arguing for trivial things. They didn't talk much. They regretted that they had married the most nasty people in the world... no more love... Kind of typical nowadays, huh?

One day Jocelyn talked to her Mother: 'Mom, we can't stand it anymore. We agree to divorce. I can't imagine how I decided to marry this guy!!!'

Mother: 'Sure, girl, that's no big deal. Just do whatever you want if you really can't stand it. But before that, do one thing first. Remember the saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day? Take out all money and spend it first. You shouldn't keep any record of such a poor marriage.'

Jocelyn thought it was true. So she went to the bank, waiting at the queue and planning to cancel the account.

While she was waiting, she took a look at the passbook record. She looked, and looked, and looked. Then the memory of all the previous joy and happiness just came up her mind. Her eyes were then filled with tears. She left and went home.

When she was home, she handed the passbook to William, asked him to spend the money before getting divorce.

The next day, William gave the passbook back to Jocelyn. She found a new deposit of $5000. And a line next to the record: 'This is the day I notice how much I've loved you through out all these years. How much happieness you've brought me.'

They hugged and cried, putting the passbook back to the safe.

The Obstacle in Our Path

2008-09-07T12:08:00.002+08:00

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the King's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

Always Remember Those Who Serve

2008-09-05T12:48:00.001+08:00

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him...

'How much is an ice cream sundae?' he asked.

'Fifty cents,' replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

'Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?' he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

'Thirty-five cents,' she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

'I'll have the plain ice cream,' he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies...

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

Pickup in the Rain

2008-09-03T12:08:00.003+08:00

One night, at 11:30 pm, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 60s... The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached...

It read:
'Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.'

Sincerely, Mrs Nat King Cole.

Forest Gump and St Peter

2008-08-31T12:14:00.002+08:00

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter said, 'Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you.' He continued, 'Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.'

'Okay,' said Forest. 'I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My mom used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.'

'Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are.'

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?'

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

'Well, sir,' said Forest, 'The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter looked surprised and said, 'Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.'

'The next question,' said Forest, 'How many seconds are in a year? Twelve.'

'Twelve?' said St Peter, surprised and confused.

'Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...'

St Peter interrupted him. 'I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.'

'And the last question,' said Forest, 'What is God's first name? It's Andy.'

'Andy?' said St Peter, in shock. 'How did you come up with 'Andy'?'

'I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.' Forest broke into song, 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.'

St Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, 'Run, Forest, Run!'

Perspective

2008-08-29T12:11:00.001+08:00

After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, 'You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14' black and white television. But, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde.'

'Now,' he continued, 'We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50-year-old woman. It doesn't seem fair.'

His wife was a reasonable woman. She replied, 'Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25-year-old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14' black and white television.'

The man rethought his priorities.

Before Computers

2008-08-28T01:03:00.002+08:00

An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show,
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account,
And a floppy disk was something
Terribly wrong in your back.

Compress was something you did to garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road,
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife,
Paste - you did with glue,
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu!

Name of Willy

2008-08-25T12:13:00.001+08:00

A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY... 'Like a Rock!'" And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!'

Rich Man

2008-08-24T12:13:00.002+08:00

An 18 year old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

Verclemt at this point, the mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again, right?"

Laughing at a Pregnant Woman

2008-08-23T12:13:00.002+08:00

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.

The Mayonnaise Jar

2008-08-21T12:09:00.000+08:00

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes'.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else - The small stuff.'

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things
That are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first,
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked.'

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Ten Foods for Long Life

2008-08-20T12:55:00.001+08:00

TOMATO: A Major source of antioxidant that reduces the risk of cancer by 40%.
Olive Oil: Shown to help reduce death from heart disease and Cancer.
Garlic: German researches said that garlic is packed with antioxidants know to help fend of cancer and heart diseases.
Whole Grains: Whole grains contains anticancer agents.
Fish
Blueberries: High in antioxidants.
Tea: Green or black tea have equal amount of antioxidants.
Vegetables
Leaf vegetables
Meat

Marrying an IT Person

2008-08-19T12:25:00.000+08:00

Husband: (Returning late from work) 'Good Evening Dear, I'm Now logged in.'
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning.
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied.
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband: It's by Default.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife: What is my value in the family?
Husband: Unknown Virus

Why it is better to be a Woman

2008-08-18T12:15:00.002+08:00

We got off the Titanic first.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down everytime so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Work and Prison

2008-08-17T12:41:00.001+08:00

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

Marriage

2008-08-16T12:15:00.002+08:00

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classified: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to
forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up.'

Three Daughters' Honeymoon

2008-08-15T12:41:00.002+08:00

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could their parents. So the parents said, "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married."

So they got married and all three daughters then said, "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it." The parents couldn't afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on their honeymoon night, their mother woke up and decided to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down, she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom, she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room, she could hear nothing and decided to ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table, she asked the first daughter, "Why were you screaming?" And the daughter replied, "Well, mother, you told me to scream when something hurt."

Then the mother asked the second daughter, "Why were you laughing last night?" And the daughter replied, "Mother, you told me to laugh when something tickled."

Then the mother asked the last daughter, "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" And the daughter replied, "Well, mother, you told me never to talk with my mouth is full."

Be Strong, Honey

2008-08-14T12:15:00.002+08:00

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Getting Home Late

2008-08-13T12:11:00.001+08:00

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

... and she's always sound asleep.

I no come work today

2008-08-12T12:15:00.001+08:00

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you here today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."

Mother-in-Law

2008-08-11T12:11:00.002+08:00

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do," The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance."

The Dead Mother

2008-08-10T12:15:00.002+08:00

There was once a brunette driving along the street. She saw a blonde crying and she stopped her car to check whether she's OK. The blonde told the brunette that her mother died and she's very sad. The brunette felt sorry for the blonde, that's why she took her to her house. The blonde calmed down.

After two days, the brunette sees the blonde crying again. She says: "What's wrong now?"

"My sister just called," the blonde replied, "and she told me that her mother died too."

Smart Rooster

2008-08-09T12:11:00.002+08:00

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, "no no! ...third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Silent Fart

2008-08-08T12:41:00.001+08:00

An elderly couple was attending church service. After sometime, the old lady leaned over her husband and said, "I just passed a silent fart, what should I do now?"

The husband said, "I guess you need to put new battery in your hearing aid."

Where are Men's Brain Cells

2008-08-07T12:11:00.001+08:00

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."

Why Earlier

2008-08-06T12:41:00.003+08:00

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above, "You will live to 100."

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard, "You will live to 100."

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God, "You told me I would live to 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So, how come you let the bus kill me?"

God said: "I didn't recognize you."

Couple of 20 Years

2008-08-05T13:11:00.001+08:00

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She got extremely upset. "You impotent bastard!" she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."

Husband and Wife Shopping

2008-08-05T12:23:00.001+08:00

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price."

Robbery

2008-08-03T12:17:00.002+08:00

A man burst into a crowded bank, ordered everyone into a corner, and then got his bag filled with packets of money.

But instead of running out, he approached terrified customers. He picked out one and asked, "Did you see me rob the bank?"

Man said, "Yes, I did." The robber then shot him in temple, killing him instantly.

Then he turned to a couple and repeated his question, "Did you see me rob the bank?"

Husband said, "No, I did not, but my wife did!"

For a Thousand Dollars

2008-08-01T12:12:00.002+08:00

A man is watching a football game, and his wife is in the shower.

The doorbell rings, the man, who is too into the game, tells his wife to go answer the door.

She answers the door wearing only a towel. Its her neighbour, Joe. She asks him what he wants. Seeing the woman in just a towel, he says, "If you drop down your towel to your waist, I will give you $500." The woman, who figured she would be getting $500 for free, agrees and drops down her towel. Then, Joe says, "If you drop the towel down completely, I will give you another $500." The woman drops her towel down completely. He gives her the $1,000 and leaves.

The husband watching the football game asks the wife who was at the door. She replies, "It was just our neighbour, Joe."

The husband says, "Did he say anything about the $1,000 dollars he owes me?"

He and She

2008-07-30T12:04:00.002+08:00

He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear briefs, don't you?

He said: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said: It's not my fault... I ran out of money.

He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said: Well, you succeeded.

He said: Two inches more, and I would be king.
She said: Two inches less, and you'd be queen.

On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'

Priest: I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said: Who's gonna look?

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said: I would, but you're never there.

Loving Couple?

2008-07-28T12:26:00.002+08:00

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

The Buttock

2008-07-26T12:23:00.001+08:00

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Why? Why? Why?

2008-07-24T12:33:00.005+08:00

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

Why are there still apes, if people evolved from apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Size of a Camel

2008-07-22T12:33:00.002+08:00

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

The lady asked, "What's that?"

"A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.

"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Misinterpretation 7

2008-07-20T12:18:00.005+08:00

Misinterpretation 6

2008-07-17T12:18:00.006+08:00

Misinterpretation 5

2008-07-14T12:08:00.005+08:00

Misinterpretation 4

2008-07-11T12:06:00.006+08:00

The Good Husband

2008-07-08T12:09:00.005+08:00

How screwed up a man can be...

Jack wakes up with a huge hang over after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??' His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS

Love changes Situation

2008-07-05T12:20:00.002+08:00

A long time ago in China, a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all. Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.

Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband great distress.

Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it! Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.

Mr Huang thought for a while, and finally said, 'Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you.'

Li-Li said, 'Yes, Mr Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do.' Mr Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, 'You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspect you when she dies, you must be very careful to be actively friendly towards her. Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen.' Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.

Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.

After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.

The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter. Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.

One day, Li-Li came to see Mr Huang and asked for his help again She said, 'Dear Mr Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law. She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her.'

Mr Huang smiled and nodded his head, 'Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her.'

Telephone Bill

2008-07-02T12:05:00.003+08:00

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting…

Dad: People, this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone. I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too. I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So, what is the problem? We all use our work telephones…

Law of the Seed

2008-06-29T12:32:00.002+08:00

Take a look at an apple tree. There might be five hundred apples on the tree and each apple has ten seeds. That's a lot of seeds! We might ask: "Why would you need so many seeds to grow just a few more apple trees?"

Nature has something to teach us here. It's telling us: "Not all seeds grow. In life, most seeds never grow."

So if you really want to make something happen, you had better try more than once. This might mean:
You'll attend twenty interviews to get one job.
You'll interview forty people to find one good employee.
You'll talk to fifty people to sell one house, one car, one vacuum cleaner, one insurance policy, or a business idea.
And you might meet a hundred acquaintances just to find one special friend.

When we understand the "Law of the Seed", we don't get so disappointed. We stop feeling like victims. We learn how to deal with things that happen to us.

Laws of nature are not things to take personally. We just need to understand them, and work with them.

Successful people fail more often. But they plant more seeds.

Custody of the Children

2008-06-26T12:00:00.004+08:00

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children.

The Judge asked for his side of the story too.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, but the man won!

Ophthalmology Exam

2008-06-23T12:00:00.003+08:00

Look at the pictures to see if you see movement.

What do you see?

One teacher said, "I felt like they were all moving... but slowly, kind of like, they were breathing."

The pictures above are used to test the level of stress a person can handle. The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress. Alleged criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly; however, senior citizens and kids see them standing still.

None of these images are animated -- they are perfectly still.

Flight Convesation with a Kid

2008-06-20T12:00:00.001+08:00

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

Liver Damage

2008-06-17T12:00:00.004+08:00

The main causes of liver damage are:

Sleeping too late and waking up too late are the main cause.
Not urinating in the morning.
Too much eating.
Skipping breakfast.
Consuming too much medication.
Consuming too much preservatives, additives, food coloring, and artificial sweetener.
Consuming unhealthy cooking oil. As much as possible reduce cooking oil use when frying, which includes even the best cooking oils like olive oil. Do not consume fried foods when you are tired, except if the body is very fit.
Consuming overly done foods also add to the burden of liver. Veggies should be eaten raw or cooked 3-5 parts. Fried veggies should be finished in one sitting, do not store.

We just have to adopt a good daily lifestyle and eating habits. Maintaining good eating habits and time condition are very important for our body to absorb and get rid of unnecessary chemicals according to 'schedule.'

Evening 9pm - 11pm : is the time for eliminating unnecessary/ toxic chemicals (de-toxification) from the antibody system (lymph nodes). This time duration should be spent by relaxing or listening to music. If during this time a housewife is still in an unrelaxed state such as washing the dishes or monitoring children doing their homework, this will have a negative impact on her health.

Evening 11pm - 1am : The de-toxification process in the liver, and ideally should be done in a deep sleep state.

Early morning 1am - 3am : de-toxification process in the gall, also ideally done in a deep sleep state.

Early morning 3am - 5am : de-toxification in the lungs. Therefore there will sometimes be a severe cough for cough sufferers during this time. Since the de-toxification process had reached the respiratory tract, there is no need to take cough medicine so as not to interfere with toxin removal process.

Morning 5am - 7am : de-toxification in the colon, you should empty your bowel..

Morning 7am - 9am : Absorption of nutrients in the small intestine, you should be having breakfast at this time. Breakfast should be earlier, before 6:30am, for those who are sick. Breakfast before 7:30am is very beneficial to those wanting to stay fit. Those who always skip breakfast, they should change their habits, and it is still better to eat breakfast late until 9am -10am rather than no meal at all. Sleeping so late and waking up too late will disrupt the process of removing unnecessary chemicals. Aside from that, midnight to 4am is the time when the bone marrow produces blood.

Therefore, avoid sleeping late and have a good sleep.

Work Smart

2008-06-14T12:00:00.002+08:00

An old man who lived in Idaho wanted to hoe his patato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who used to help him was in prison. He wrote a letter to the boy and described his predicament.

Dear son, I'm feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I am just getting too old to be digging up the garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you will dig the plot for me. Love, Dad.

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden. That's where I burried the BODIES. Love, Son.

The next morning, at four, FBI agents and the local police showed up at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden. They found nothing, apologised, and left. The same day, he received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do, under the circumstances. Love, Son.

Misinterpretation 3

2008-06-11T12:00:00.005+08:00

These are direct translation of Chinese to English which turns out funny.

Source: http://www.engrish.com/

Janitor or Millionaire

2008-06-08T12:00:00.000+08:00

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.

The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago, I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral: ..........................

Healthy Juices

2008-06-05T12:00:00.003+08:00

Carrot + Ginger + Apple
Boost and cleanse our system.

Apple + Cucumber + Celery
Prevent cancer, reduce cholestrol, and improve stomach upset and headache.

Tomato + Carrot + Apple
Improve skin complexion and bad breath.

Bitter gourd + Apple + Milk
Avoid bad breath and reduce internal body heat.

Orange + Ginger + Cucumber
Improve skin texture and moisture and reduce body heat.

Pineapple + Apple + Watermelon
To dispel excess salts, nourishes the bladder and kidney.

Apple + Cucumber + Kiwi
To improve skin complexion.

Pear + Banana
To regulates sugar content.

Carrot + Apple + Pear + Mango
Clear body heat, counteracts toxicity, decreased blood pressure and fight oxidization.

Honeydew + Grape + Watermelon + Milk
Rich in vitamin C + Vitamin B2 that increase cell activity and strengthen body immunity.

Papaya + Pineapple + Milk
Rich in vitamin C, E, Iron. Improve skin complexion and metabolism.

Banana + Pineapple + Milk
Rich in vitamin with nutritious and prevent constipation.

Married Life

2008-06-02T12:00:00.000+08:00

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm going to have a beer."

The new wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

And... they lived happily ever after.

Art of Coffee

2008-05-30T12:00:00.004+08:00

Wonderful artwork. Received these pictures from a friend, and thought it would be a waste if I were to admire them just by myself, thus decided to share them here.