Bits n Pieces

Once upon a time, there were once three brothers, very close in age, who grew up constantly competing with each other for virtually everything -- in sports, at school, with the girls. You name it!

In time, they grew up, finished school, and left home. Before long, all three had become very successful in business (on the competitive plane) and were quite wealthy. Even so, their "sibling rivalry" continued.

One night as their mother's 80th birthday approached, the three got together for dinner and began discussing what each of them had planned to mark this special occasion. Each brother naturally intended to outdo the others with his gift plans.

"Well," the first son said, "neither one of you can top this. I've bought her the most expensive, luxurious Mercedes available and hired her a full-time driver."

The second son snorted: "Ha! That's nothing! I've built her a huge mansion, with magnificent landscaped grounds and a gorgeous swimming pool."

The third son, leaned back in his chair and just smiled at his brothers, savoring the moment of victory he knew was at hand. Then he said, "I've got you both beat.

"You know how much Mom has always enjoyed reading the Bible but has trouble with it now that her eyesight's getting weaker. Well, I've found the most beautiful, exotic parrot -- an extremely rare species, but that's not the most important part. You see, THIS parrot can recite the entire Bible.

"Twenty monks in a remote part of the world spent ten solid years teaching this bird, and I had to pledge $100,000 a year for the next 20 years to the monastery, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name a chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it, word for word."

The other brothers sat staring, their mouths hanging open in astonishment. Then both glumly admitted that the Bible-quoting parrot was the hands-down winner, and the evening drew to a close with the third son feeling extremely proud to have outstripped his brothers.

Mom's birthday came and went, and a week or so after it each of the three men found a note from her in his mailbox.

"Marvin," she wrote to the first son, "Thank you for the car, but I am too old to get out much. I stay home all the time cleaning this huge house, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is just plain rude!"

"Milton," she wrote the second son, "Thank you for the house. But it is so huge. I live in only one room, but I still have to clean the whole thing."

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "Thank you so much. You are my only son to have the good sense to know what your old mother really likes.

"That chicken was delicious."

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you mind reaching into the closet to get me another blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied with a twinkle in her eye. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.' His eyebrows went up and he smiled, 'That's a great idea!' 'Good,' she replied 'Get your own damn blanket.' After a moment of silence, he farted.

An old man who lived in Idaho wanted to hoe his patato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who used to help him was in prison. He wrote a letter to the boy and described his predicament.

Dear son, I'm feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I am just getting too old to be digging up the garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you will dig the plot for me. Love, Dad.

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden. That's where I burried the BODIES. Love, Son.

The next morning, at four, FBI agents and the local police showed up at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden. They found nothing, apologised, and left. The same day, he received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do, under the circumstances. Love, Son.

Source: http://www.engrish.com/

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm going to have a beer."

The new wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

And... they lived happily ever after.

These are direct translation from Chinese which turns out funny.