Bits n Pieces

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral... The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: 16 Mar 2009
Subject: I've reached
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to see you TOMORROW!

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned quiet. That is because the fierest teacher in the school had entered the class. Her face is as fierce as a lion which will bite anyone's head off if offended... And if you wanna know more.... follow the lesson.

Students: Good morning, teacher.

Teacher : (shouting) Why is it only good morning? What about afternoon and night???

Students: Good morning, afternoon and night teacher.

Teacher : That is unacceptable! It is too long. Just wish me best regards for my whole day! That is much better as it is easier and full of meaning. And that greeting can also be used for all times.

Students: Best regards teacher!

Teacher : That's better, sit down! Listen. Today I'm going to test you all on words that have the opposite meaning. When I say a sentence or a word, all of you must answer quickly the opposite meaning to the words, understand??

Students: Understood teacher!

Teacher : I do not want any disturbance!

Students: (silence)

Teacher : Clever
Students: Stupid

Teacher : High
Students: Low

Teacher : Popular
Students: Calafare

Teacher : Wrong.
Students: Correct.

Teacher : Stupid.
Students: Clever.

Teacher : No.
Students: Yes.

Teacher : Oh God.
Students: Oh Slave.

Teacher : Listen to this.
Students: Listen to that.

Teacher : Quiet.
Students: Noisy.

Teacher : That's not a question, stupid.
Students: This is an answer, clever.

Teacher : I'm dead.
Students: We're alive.

Teacher : I'm lazy to teach.
Students: We are hardworking to learn.

Teacher : Enough! Enough!
Students: More! More!

Teacher : Stop! Stop!
Students: Start! Start!

Teacher : Why are you people so stupid.
Students: Because I am someone clever.

Teacher : Lack manners!
Students: Taught enough!

Teacher : O.K.Lesson has ended!
Students: K.O. Lesson has not started!

Teacher : Enough, stupid!
Students: Not yet, clever!

Teacher : Stand up.
Students: Sit down.

Teacher : I said CALAFARE was wrong!
Students: We said POPULAR was correct!

Teacher : You people are dumb!
Students: We are gifted!

Teacher : All of you must stay back this afternoon!
Students: Released tonight.

Teacher : (Keep quiet, gather her books and went out)

Ways of how the fight had started... just for laughs.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started...

------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability allowance, too.'

And then the fight started...

------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started.....

------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....

------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...

------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

------

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
And then the fight started...

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter said, 'Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you.' He continued, 'Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.'

'Okay,' said Forest. 'I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My mom used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.'

'Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are.'

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?'

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

'Well, sir,' said Forest, 'The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter looked surprised and said, 'Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.'

'The next question,' said Forest, 'How many seconds are in a year? Twelve.'

'Twelve?' said St Peter, surprised and confused.

'Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...'

St Peter interrupted him. 'I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.'

'And the last question,' said Forest, 'What is God's first name? It's Andy.'

'Andy?' said St Peter, in shock. 'How did you come up with 'Andy'?'

'I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.' Forest broke into song, 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.'

St Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, 'Run, Forest, Run!'

After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, 'You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14' black and white television. But, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde.'

'Now,' he continued, 'We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50-year-old woman. It doesn't seem fair.'

His wife was a reasonable woman. She replied, 'Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25-year-old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14' black and white television.'

The man rethought his priorities.

A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY... 'Like a Rock!'" And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!'

An 18 year old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

Verclemt at this point, the mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again, right?"

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.